1) what to do when you’ve read everything on all social media and the entire internet. Don’t panic. Netflix. Do not watch The Notebook.
2) how to stay positive when all your friends have offered some level of support but have regardless left you to whither and die while they continue to experience enlightenment in the outdoors.
3) how to resist the dark side - day drinking, online shopping for gear, straight up porn, online gambling, making 12 dating profiles when you’re already happily married or in a relationship, drawing on yourself with markers
4) proper ergonomics for lying around, staring at phone and playing video games to avoid further injury.
5) driving and showering (optional) with one or more important and highly impaired extremities
-what to eat when your jaw has been dislocated and your teeth do not close
-strategies to get your mom or friends to bring you real food when you are sick of frozen burritos and ramen
7) cleaning and laundry - just don’t do it
8. Work - both impossible and improbable
9) How to then tactfully stop the casseroles coming.