Originally written on my b-day in Jan...sorta let it marinate a bit...:)
SO, I've been contemplating this next post for weeks and weeks. I'm still not sure exactly how it will go, but here goes...
2009 was a relatively crappy year...and I'm friggin' old...whatever, bring in the new.
I am not quite ready to proclaim the Antimom dead, but evolved. I have changed. I can't quite define it. Maybe I'm finally a grown up. Maybe I've finally reconciled who I am. Maybe I really don't care anymore...All I know is this:
- If you thought I was cold and didn't give a crap before...I REALLY don't give a crap now. If you're going to become my friend, it ain't gonna be easy. There are no warm fuzzies available here, unless they have been earned. Too many people have kicked my ass for me to just let you in. You take me for what I am or you leave. If you can't figure out that I am a good-hearted person who happens to be loud, passionate, slightly spaztic, and occasionally does or says stupid things, I don't care. Final answer. If you are my friend, you will know it. Sold: I will be there until the end...if you are going to play games with me, or act like an idiot, you're out...and you'll know that too.
- The Antimom: Something changed this summer when Chad and I ran into trouble on the way down from Crestone Peak...The call of the wild is currently relatively quiet. I am tired of trying to climb with other people. If shit is going to hit the fan who is going to be there? I don't want anyone but Chad or to fend for myself. I don't care if I never get my list of mountains done...that's it. I was for a while considering joining the Colorado Mountain Club, but I really don't know if I want to jump through all the hoops. I have tried the making friends in the climbing website forums deal and find that is pretty much a waste of time. Lots of talk...not a lot of action. I have tried having "climbing buddies" and it ends in disaster. I'm done. I do not mountain bike anymore. I do not hike that much anymore. It's pretty much soccer and tae kwon do, yoga and occasional skiing, and I'm fine with that. I did buy a new SPOT, though...we broke the old one on Maroon Bells. Maybe springtime will light a fire under Antimom's ass.
- I actually LIKE being a mom. Well, it's not that I ever hated it, but it was cramping my style...now it's just who I am. Classic Antimom had different priorities than regular mom. Not so much anymore.
- I've really enjoyed Facebook since I've signed up. But, I'm not sure how long I'll hang on. You form some sort of relationship with people, and I don't really know if it is real. In some cases, people from the past show up and it's not necessarily classically "constructive" to be friends with them. I do it, because that's who I am - if it's interesting, I'm game - but really...if you feel disappointed by cyber friends...that's just sad. That is when it's probably time to go. I don't need it.
Don't get me wrong...I have a great life and a great family and I know it. But something's missing. Maybe it's people I can count on. Maybe it's to get on with this PT career and be able to help people. Maybe it's just classic ants-in-the-pants and I can't deal with this suburban boring repetitive life thing. Maybe I don't go to church enough. I don't know.
But I do know that you have one life to live and I try to live well. I am thankful for what I have but it's not cutting it. Maybe it will never cut it. Because that's my personality...how do you find out what is right unless you put in effort to figure it out? What's better? What's worse? What's "wrong" or "right"? Sorry, that's between me and God...no books, people, proverbs are going to tell me the correct answers for me....because I'm me, not understood or defined by these things...maybe naive, maybe enlightened...but the fact remains that's the way it is...
WELL...2010 could be the death of the Antimom - or maybe the birth of a new version...part says shut up and just submit to and enjoy the good life you have been given. Part says never stop fighting for living how you feel you should...time's-a-wasting...we shall see...
Anyway...the ice of 2010 is broken...maybe I'll feel like talking more from now on, maybe not.